Who’s Your Mama?

“The Water Baby”, Herbert James Draper

(Short Note..this post is coming a couple of days early since this past week, I did the unimaginable:  I disconnected my internet at home!  I KNOW!?!?!  Can you believe it?  Let’s just say that I am setting out on a new journey by shedding some old skins that no longer work for me,  and I’m busy creating SPACE for all the NEW stuff that is here! This is only one small part of my “Snakey“  transformation going on, and I have so much more I want to write about it..but that’ll wait until a later time…)

This weekend my daughter and I are heading out to my Mom’s for a “Girl’s Day Out” sort of Mother’s Day.  We’ll first have a lovely brunch of spinach and mushroom quiche, fresh fruit, a little ceasar salad and a decadent mousse for desert (did I spell that right? LOL).  There might even be a little bubbly to celebrate  and then I’m taking us to go see “Made of Honor” (Oh yeah…we all want us some Dr. McDreamy!!!).  It’s sure to be a really fun, memorable day….one that could never have taken place (on SO many levels) without the Grace that has brought us all together again, healthy and whole.

Being a Mom has been THE most important classroom for my own development as a person.  It’s brought the greatest challenges, and the greatest rewards.  I had to work through the whole “I’m NOT my mother!” thing…you know, where you say “I’ll never do thus and so like Mom did”, and then almost immediately find yourself doing just that?  UGH :)  I’ve worked through all (or most of) the “Wounded Child” stuff so that I can now fully embrace my mom just as she is with great love and appreciation.  I’ve learned to accept all that we experienced together as a family as a case of everyone doing the best they can, with what they had at the time…and there was definitely huge amounts of LOVE all around!

Being a mom myself has helped me to truly forgive my mom for all of those “wrongs” I thought she “did” to me. It helped me to forgive her, because I had to forgive myself for all of my own imperfect stumblings through Motherland.  Accordining to my personal belief system, I CHOSE her as my mother, because she was the perfect vessel for my ongoing experience as a spiritual being.

Not only that, she’s a wise and wonderful woman…quirky and a little offbeat, and filled with a bright intelligence and strength of spirit that I find inspirational.  I “know” where she’s come from…what’s she’s been through and endured.   Hers is the stuff from which I was created.  She is a total Goddess, too.

Just like me. 

Just like my daughter. 

Living out the three faces of the Divine Feminine between us….Maiden, Mother and Crone…. I feel especially blessed to have the opportunity to share one more Mother’s Day with these two women who have meant more to me than anything.  Through each of us, in our own unique ways, Godd expresses Herself in all Her glory.  In all Her creativity.  In Her neverending cycle of birth…death….and rebirth.  And with an abundance of Grace and Life that is the hallmark of Her nature.

I don’t know where you’re at with this holiday.  My hope would be that you have someone special to celebrate with.  ALL of us, however, can embrace our Feminine Side during this time, whether we have a mom or are a mom, nor not.  We can nuture and care for ourselves to health and wellbeing.  We can believe in and inspire ourselves to greater aspirations, and miraculous deeds.

We can wrap our arms around ourselves tenderly and love ourselves into Wholeness.

For after all, Who really IS our mama?

Happy Mother’s Day with great affection.  Namaste!  

 

Tree Pose

*whew*

No, that wasn’t a tired sigh of weariness and fatigue.  That’s one of those brow-wiping, eye-buggin, “are you friggin’ kidding me right now???” WHEWS you let out when you’ve touch down safely after jumping out of a plane from 25,000 feet.

Yeah…*WHEW*!

Do you ever stop and just ponder the journey you’ve made over the last few years?  When you do, what comes up on your balance sheet?  More “Blessings” than “Challenges”?  A lot of “nothing much in particular”?  If you were to try to use just ONE word to describe it, what would it be?  Growth?  Loss?  Healing?

If I had to pick just one word (which is not easy for me, Queen of the metaphor that I am), I’d absolutely, unequivocably have to use the word CHANGE. For example, going back over just the last 3 years…here’s SOME of what’s transpired:

1.  Divorce and a move

2.  New relationship…end of relationship…renewal of relationship with a ring…end of relationship…renewal of relationship with a MOVE…end of relationship 2 months later with a MOVE (that makes 3 moves)….well, you get my drift.  It very much in the END zone now, and has been for awhile.

3.  Got laid-off and started a new job

4.  Estrangement and reconciliation with my daughter.  Twice.  And she fought cervical cancer and won. Twice.

5. 3 car accidents, and an incident at a hotel (THAT would be my son)

6.  Caring for my widowed mom when she busted her pelvis

7.  Rebooted an old relationship with an ex spouse.  THAT didn’t last long (ha!)

8.  I was told I was going to be a grandma…and was told it miscarried in week 8

9.  Got my first tattoo (ok, I just had to throw that in)

10. Completed The Change.  Or is that The Changing?  No moonflow for over 2 years now.  Guess that means I’ve gone from Mother to Crone, huh?

11.  Went through the final divestment of a religious teaching that no longer fits…OK, and this may actually be THE ‘change’, if you know what I mean.

12. Made a dozen business trips lasting 4-5 days at a time, went on two cruises, changed my hair color and style 4-5 times (at least!), put on and took off weight, started and stopped yoga a few times.  Joined a spa and quit, started Curves (still going), started blogging, painting, doing card readings, took some marketing classes, started a home based business, etc. etc. etc.

See what I mean? WHEW.  Life sure can happen, can’t it?  Truly, the have been transformational (that’s the same as “Change”, right?) years I’ve ever lived.  I’ve experienced several of the most devastating heartbreaks ever in my 51 years, and several events that were so amazingly magical that I wanted to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming!  There have been laughter and tears.  Births and deaths.  Magnificent growth and times of absolute, abject moments of “No-Thing-Ness” in my soul.   Abundance. Lack.  Love.  Fear.  Pain.  Pleasure.

It’s all been there in this short short time span.

I’ve learned some valuable lessons, that’s for sure. And here’s something else I really love about all of that…..for me, for you - for ALL of us who are embracing the Changes of our lives with Trust and Faith…We’re still standing….

You Know You’re From Southern California When…

As a native Southern Cali girl, I could totally relate to this fun stuff that showed up in my email this morning.  So I thought I’d share it, and toss in some pictures of my home town - San Pedro. 

These are the cliffs and shores I wandered as a kid, the bridges I crossed, the sea I loved… 

and there was nothing like the view of Catalina from the home we lived in.  I looked out those windows on sunny mornings, lightening streaked nights, and bright summer days. 

One of my habits as a teenager was to walk down to the cliffs at night, sneaking smokes, and watching the moonlight on the waves breaking down below me at Royal Palms.  I even made love on those cliffs…ah, those were the days!  

 

 

 

California is still a great place to live, as long as you understand that….

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don’t notice.

You don’t know anyone’s phone number unless you check your cell phone. 

You speak Spanish, but you’re not Mexican.

You begin to “lie” to your friends about how close you are when you know damn well that it’ll take you at least an hour to get there (see below).

Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about “twenty minutes”.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

In the “winter”, you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day or mow your lawn in your shorts on New Years Day, and maybe sunburn.

You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.

If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you’re definitely driving.

Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.

You know what “In-’N-Out” is and feel bad for all the other states because they don’t have any.

You don’t stop at a STOP sign, you do a California Roll.

You really can never be too rich or too thin or too tan.

You’ve partied in Tijuana at least 3 times and you don’t remember at least 1 of them. (Did I ever tell you about the time I tended bar at Husongs Cantina?)

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.  (*NOT this Irish girl! Can we say SUNBURN?)

You eat pineapple on pizza.

Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your head.

You think that Venice is a beach.

The waitress asks if you’d like “carbs” in your meal.

You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is.

You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An “818″ would never date a “562″ and anyone from “323″ or “213″ is ghetto/second class. Best area code: “949/714.” Nobody likes anyone from the “909/951″ because it stinks there.

You call 911 and they put you on hold.

You have a gym membership because it’s mandatory.

The gym is packed at 3 pm…on a workday.  (NOT that I’d know personally!)

You think you are better than the people who live “Over the Hill”. It doesn’t matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are just better than them, for whatever reason.

You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a McDonald’s, Subway or a Starbucks. (Do we have to go two miles for a Starbucks?)

You know what “Sigalert”, “PCH”, and the “Five” mean.

You know the meaning behind the name of the 405 freeway…. because it takes 4 hours to get one way, and 5 hours to get back.

It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH”.

The Terminator is your governor. and You actually get these jokes!

Spirals, Goddesses and Living The Dream

….from my Dream Journal

I’m so grateful to be able to interact with some of the most creative and inspiring Goddesses through Blogging!  Several of the ladies are now making their goodies available through Etsy, and it’s so exciting!  One of them, Beweaver, hand makes the most divine jewelry, tarot bags and other yummy stuff and now you can buy them from her Etsy store.  She also has another store called Harvest Blessings, where she displays more of her textiles and other handiwork.  PLEASE visit her!  I know you’ll find something fabulous to purchase for yourself or someone you love! 

Here are the earrings that I just ordered, and I can’t WAIT to get them!  What drew me to them (other than they are totally RAD) was the spiral…a constant symbol in my life for the last year or so now.  (In fact, just recently I noticed that the Brighton wallet I was given a couple of Christmases ago has spirals all over the inner fabric!).  Aren’t they beautiful??  I also have an eye on one of her tarot bags..but that will have to wait for another payday! lol

What is so inspiring about Beweaver and the others like Kalliope (her Etsy store is EclecticJungle) is that these women are turning their dream-time passions into full on reality and PROFITS, hopefully :).  Something I want to and have been encouraged to do for some time.  One of the ways that I try to get out of my Left Brain and into my Goddess of Creation brain (we have one of those, right?) is through my Dream Journal.

A great big loving THANKS to Suzie for stirring up the imagination and cocreation juices in me through her series of posts on Dreamboards.    She’s been so inspirational with her own dream board work, and through her encouragement, a great group of women have joined in the fun.   Everyone is working and dreaming, creating and posting pictures of their own dreamboards, and while I don’t have a ‘board’ per se, I did dig out my Dream Journal.  Suzie, hope you don’t mind if I just keep on with these pages until I get a true ‘board’ in place ! :)   Here are some photos from some of the pages….

 

SOS - Take Your Time

Jamie over at StarShyne Productions posted yesterday about the 3rd Annual Virtual Dance Party, and invited us all feel the MAGIC of dancing for 15 minutes.

Well, as I’m sure you can guess, I was all about a Dance Party, and had fun picking out a few songs to shake my groove thang to.  This song in particular had me grinning from ear to ear for so many reasons.  One, it’s definitely a “Turtle” song (thanks for that additional input from your comment, Sue Ann! )  Turtle Medicine is also about accomplishing our goals and tasks slowly and consciously. Turtles may not be the first to cross the finish line, but they do eventually make it by taking their time and doing things right.  Yep, I’m all about the turtle these days.  So what if some of my dreams have taken a little longer to get here than others?  I have enough experience to know that focus, action, and a touch of GRACE is more than enough to create miracles at any stage in life.  

And two?  Well, I was a total Soul Train addict back in the day - right there with American Bandstand! And yeah, you can bet I was dancing every Saturday morning for hours.  Not only was music and dancing totally cool, but DUDE…Check out the CLOTHES…

1980 was a GREAT year.  I was 23 and just a year older than my son is now (Happy Birthday yesterday, my Beltane Baby!!!)

SO, if you have a notion to get in motion, TURN UP YOUR SPEAKERS, kick off your shoes, and let’s DANCE Like No One Is Watching! :)  Wooo wooo!

Do You Believe In Magic?

Turtles….…Aren’t they the greatest?  I used to own a 50 some-odd year old desert turtle named Cowboy Bill who lived quite happily in my small yard for several years.  Then we moved and the little guy made his great escape to parts unknown.  But I still think of him now and again.  If you’ve ever owned one, you know their habits are pretty cool.  For example, Bill would dig under a stepping stone every winter and bury himself to hibernate, only coming out when the rains soaked the ground so much there’d be a couple of inches of surface water.  Turtles can swim like ducks when they want to. They also are very affectionate.  Maybe it was because I was the one to feed him, but when I’d sit on the patio he would come right up to me and bite my foot.  That’s affection, right? (smile)

Anyway, I’ve had turtles on the brain lately.  Twice last weekend I saw them while walking the park.  Doesn’t sound like a big deal but a turtle sighting has happened only one other time in the 3 years I’ve been walking here.  Ducks, geese, blue herons…bullfrogs, squirrels and rabbits.  All plentiful and very randy this time of year. But turtles?  Seeing them is a special treat, and I’d probably consider a turtle just a turtle if it weren’t for fact that I’m all into symbolism and patterns and synchronicities…and Turtle has been showing up a lot whenever I use my medicine cards. 

Turtle is fascinating in that it is the oldest symbol for planet Earth. She also represents connecting with our inner Goddess energy, and her shell speaks to all the different ways we can ‘protect’ ourselves.  Turtle is of the Earth and of the Water, and balances her life between two homes harmoniously.  When I ponder the Turtle, I understand that I’m being called to tap into the Divine Feminine that is within me – as well as the Divine Mother who is in All.  I feel called to better balance my energies between the ‘earthiness’ of my physical existance, and the ‘watery’ realm of my spiritual and emotional lives. 

Connecting with Mother God is something that is still pretty new to me, and not something that I feel I’ve really ‘got down’ yet….  Maybe it’s because I was indoctrinated from the womb with the idea of a Male God and the whole patriarchy thing.  It might take me a little longer to deprogram myself completely from almost 45 years of that sort of thing.  And, of course, I’m doing it on my own as almost all of my friends and family are still very much traditional Christian types.  I’m breaking from the pack, though, in one giant step after another.   And I’ve set serious intentions for drawing closer to more kindred souls.  I find the idea of a Feminine Deity very comforting in my life right now…very supportive and powerful and deeply healing.  She Who Loves Me is the one I was created by and Whose Image I represent.  She is the Maiden that I was, the Mother than I am, and the Crone who I’m becoming.  Reading the Mists of Avalon is really ramping up this deep longing in me for a more significant, meaningful practice and communion with The Mother.  Turtle encourages me to ask for Her help, Her abundance, and Her creativity for whatever I’m facing in my life.

But this morning, I got a brand new look at Turtle, because she showed up with someone very auspicious.  Otter…Otter followed by Raven – the harbinger of MAGIC.

The Otter….She is the energy of Woman Medicine. In some traditions, otter skins were used to make medicine bags for the most powerful women of the tribe.  Otter is also a creature of Earth and Water, and - like Turtle - she also brings lessons in balancing female energy.  There it is again –that word “Balance” along with expression of the Divine Feminine.  Her keywords are ‘allowing’, ‘unfolding’, ‘family’ ‘caring’, ‘playful’ and ‘trust’.  Otter carries no jealousies or envies, and discourages trying to ‘control’ the outcome of situations – or other people.   And if you’ve been reading me for any length of time, you know that I’ve been mindfully workin on letting go of ‘control’, and achieving balance.

When I meditated on Otter’s message partnered with Turtles’, she seemed to say this to me:  Let GO, for Goddess sake!  Let go of the need to always feel in control - let go of the fear! - and start to flow gently with the current of your own life.  Allow yourself  to be vulnerable and unguarded…shed any defense mechanisms and protective layers that you’re using to protect yourself.  Allow others the honor of seeing you vulnerable.  Ask for help if you need it, and receive!  Tap into Joy again.  Breathe and balance yourself by less ‘doing’ and more ‘allowing’!  Allow the Goddess within you to come out and play.  Don’t worry  about your future - how “its” all going happen, or how you will care for yourself and your family.  Let yourself Trust.  Trust that your life is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to.  Trust in the intrinsic goodness of those around you, and in the Plan for your life.  Celebrate all those girly qualities that you sometimes put on the back burner as you attempt to “Provide” and “Protect” and “Preserve”. Tap into the hidden creative power that lies in your softness and your tenderness.  Receive all the good that the Universe- that The Goddess - is sending your way.

Believe in the Magic of being fully and divinely female.

Do You Believe?

I do…oh yes, oh yes, I do! Let’s DANCE!

 

Hocus Focus

“The Love Potion” by Evelyn Pickering DeMorgan

“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”
William James

 

Need A Hug Today?

 

 

 

Dancing With Myself

Thanks to everyone who showed me so much love yesterday :)  You are the greatest!  Today has been an awesome day….

I’m in one of those silly, pre-Las Vegas-for-work-trips (I leave tomorrow).  So, as I’m packing and getting all ready for the week ahead, I’ve been listening to some great music and thought I’d share because…I’m just that kinda girl.

BTW….Do you know how LONG it takes to pack, when you keep stopping to….DANCE????

Have a GREAT WEEK, everyone! 

 

Turn The Beat Around

I had an interesting experience yesterday…a first, really.  Someone who offered to do a reading for me decided that - once they pulled the cards - they didn’t want to pass on the message.

The experience left me…. disoriented.  NOT that it was their fault, but my thoughts began to buck-shot randomly.  Thoughts like “Am I missing something?”  “Is something bad going to happen and he doesn’t want to tell me?”  “Did he see something that he thinks will hurt or offend me?”  “Is something or someone in danger?”

See what I mean?  DEFINITELY not a great way to start the day, nor end it when his email said it wouldn’t ‘harm my Higher Self not to get it.”  Hum.  OK.  That’s not what I had asked, and my Higher Self can’t be harmed in any case, but OK.

I have a history of addictive behavior.  Back in the 70s and  80s, my addictive behaviors looked alot like bouts of over drinking, over drugging, too many men, too much shopping, and too much partying.  Those ’sinful’ indulgences were then counterbalanced by a decade or two by extremes in Holiness - Cloistering myself away to pray, read the Bible, attending meetings and communing with God.  Once I had children, they became my passion and I had frequent spurts of manic Suzie Homemakerism…hand made this, and home cooked that, and everything in our lives having to be “just so”.  Then there were years of when I was in church every time the doors opened, where I volunteered my “time, talents and treasures” to The Vision.  I remember my son once saying to me, “Mom, church is like your second job.”  Yeah…I’m so sorry, Babe.  Mom isn’t really great at doing things half way….”BALANCE” is what I do with my checkbook.  NOT with what I do with my energy.

Finally, back in 2002, I dove head first into the cesspool of Internet chatrooms.  At the time I had no idea where I was heading, as I sought to fill that hole in my soul with some friendly conversation and community.  Needless to say, no one told me that when I dove in, I’d eventually crack my head open as I hit the cement bottom of flirting to cyber sex to phone sex….spiralling downward into The Abyss.  Those that think that doing ‘it’ online isn’t the same as ‘doing it’, are full of crap.  But I digress.

It’s important to know that It’s not only the body that bleeds.  A bleeding soul is much more deadly, and much harder to stop because no one sees it until it’s almost too late. 

Looking back, I can honestly say that  there is alot to be said for having a so-called nervous breakdown or mid-life crisis.  I call it my Dark Night of The Soul, and it was.  It was very very dark and if I could have, I would have killed myself.  But being somewhat cowardly in that regard, I kept on taking one step after another, literally, with tears streaming down my face.  ”If there is Anyone Out there, please help me!”.

Turns out that walking may have saved my life. 

I got addicted to that too, but perhaps there are some “obsessive behaviors” that can be good for a person.  And in the years since, my ‘addictions’ are more like practices and habits.  On a ‘good day’, they all support me…things like morning meditations, reading inspirational books, and even my trips to Curves.  On a ‘bad day’, I may have one too many cocktails with a girlfriend.  Or an extra helping of pasta.  Maybe smoke a cigarette.

ANYWAY, what does all this have to do with the reading-that-never-came?  Well, my own reactions to it.  I spent alot of time yesterday picking up my own decks, shuffling, and tossing….looking for my own answers.  Over and over again…shuffle, cut and throw.  Shuffle, cut and throw.  Shuffle, cut and throw.  I went into ’seekers’ over load.  Soon, the feelings of confusion and something akin to gloom started covering me like a wet blanket.  Then I started to see a pattern in one of the decks.  It spoke of “Cleansing and Detoxing”, getting “Fresh Air”, and “There’s Nothing To Worry About”.  At the urging of one of the messages, I closed my eyes and raised my hands towards “Heaven”…or that space right above my bed where The Orb was….and surrendered my worry, fear and confusion in one word: HELP!

And the most amazing thing happened.  My hands felt like a warm blanket of energy covered them, to the wrists then to the forearms.  Not a still energy, but a lively one, like millions of tiny buzzings all over. Or several soft loving pairs of hands stroking me with comfort and love.   On my right hand, there was a slightly stronger feeling, like someone was tracing something on my palm, over and over.  As a Reiki practicioner, the first thing I thought about was how I tap in certain symbols prior to a session.  But soon my mind stopped as I sat there - arms in the air encased in energy gloves.  I felt all the tension and worry and doubts and fear slowly drain from my body.  Soon, a new PEACE had settled in my heart and I felt touched by the Angels.  I knew I wasn’t alone and that I had nothing to fear.

And with a grateful heart, I laid down and slept, knowing, that every day we have the opportunity to choose.  Choose the way we want to feel.  Choose the way we interact with ourselves, life and each other.  And choose what we want to experience.  TODAY, I choose to experience great JOY, great PEACE, and lots of gratitude.

Without picking up a deck of cards….simply by picking up my feet and walking.